"I am your Mother and I am the Mother of All within form. Life is, and only ever was possible through me: through the Mother."
What if you were faced with the opportunity right now, to go back to your time of birth and re-choose who your Mother will be…. Would you make the same choice again? OR Would you choose your current self, the woman you are now to be your Mother?***
It has been a whole astrological year since the Amazonian Arts Circle for the Protectress Warrioress, where we grounded the energy of the Mother. Through the held support of the Journey Women present, I embodied the role of Clan Mother for the Protectress into our physical realm.
Embodiment is no easy task. I had to wade my way through the toxic pain, suffering and torment of my ancestral generational wound, in order for my physical being to create space for the Protectress energy. The Drum Journey I took to meet my Protectress Grandmother showed me I came from a long thread of Protectresses, yet somewhere through my ancestral maternal line, the Warrioress energy from my Clan became fractured, amidst distortions. My current reality reflecting a Mother who exhibited the shadows aspects of this archetype.
My family system dissolved when I was a baby, my Mother leaving me with my Father and his extended family, who raised me until my late teens. During my school holiday visits, she displayed extreme mood swings. I would experience days of manic behaviour, before a depressive week-long crash (which I later discovered as an adult, was congruent with bipolar personality disorder). My birth Mother manipulated men and women alike, to have her needs met, maintaining her sense of victim-hood and helplessness. She feared being alone, rejected and/or abandoned by loved ones, which developed codependency in us both. Within me, a 'people pleasing' persona formed and as a child, I became the parent, doing my best to keep her emotional state level, while consistently showing her and verbalizing how much I loved her.
Conflict and drama seemed to follow her, throughout her life, especially with my Czech Grandmother, whom I shared the same birth date with. My Mother continually over shared her painful past and childhood with me, related to her own Mother, re-telling all the horrible experiences she had and stating at times why she was doing them to me - because that was what was done to her. At times, I thought I would not survive. Suffice to say, I have not kept in touch with Mother for many years.
The process leading up to my own rapid transformation, was one of many moons towards becoming my own Protectress. It was one of deeply holding myself in a safe container of tenderness, nurture and unconditional love, as I released the stored pain, suffering and immense grief from my body, born from the hands of Mother. At times I felt and sat with my birth Mother's consciousness***. Knowing thyself enough, I had the profound awareness that what was rising up from the depths within me, was not my own, yet I had an opportunity to support Mother, to uncover and be seen in her generational wound. In this meditative space of time, I held my own mother, through the ethers, as I remained present with her higher self to clear out our collective ancestral distortions together. It brought me a greater understanding, and clarity around my Mother's own wounding, which internally offered us both huge healing.
"You are safe. You are loved. You are protected."
This pathway has allowed me to forgive MYSELF for choosing Her; for being born into form through Her; and yet, I would confidently choose Her again. Through my own personal will to heal this ancestral fracture, I see clearly now the gifts she has brought to me.
She has come Home.
So mote it be.
Clan Mother for the Protectress.
EDIT: This photo is of my birth Mother on her Wedding evening, well before I was conceived. I share this image with you as I feel her joy, happiness and dreams coming true at this moment.
*** If you are interested in an external viewing of ancestral consciousness, please check out Russian Doll, Season 2 on Netflix. This show offers a representation of the opportunity of Re-Doing past generational woundings.
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